The door-to-door mileage from my home on Capitol Hill to the house I grew up in (yes, my parents still live there) is almost exactly 115 miles. Nearly 99% of that is on interstates or expressways – matter of fact, only 2.2 miles of those 115 are on “surface roads.” Of that 113 or so miles of highway driving, about 92 of them are on Interstate 95. (Thank you, Google Maps.)
And therein lies the problem, for I-95 is the bane of my life. There is very nearly nothing in my life that makes me as unhappy as the stretch of I-95 between Alexandria and Richmond. It is the Demon Highway.
It was simple. So simple. I would drive down to my parents house on Sunday afternoon, buy them a nice dinner on Sunday evening, stay the night, help my dad to his doctor’s appointment on Monday, and drive back to DC on Monday evening.
Oh, but the Demon Highway had other ideas.
I departed on Sunday afternoon and had maybe a good 7 or 8 miles. Then everything ground to a near halt at the Springfield interchange (known semi-affectionately in these parts as the Mixing Bowl, since it’s a noodle-ish mess of seven or so different highways converging. I spent the next two hours and forty-five minutes creeping down I-95 in bumper to bumper traffic. At 3:30pm on a Sunday afternoon. I made it about as far as Stafford, VA, and gave up. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Departure time: 3:30 pm
Direction: Southbound
Driving Time: 2 hr 45 min
Miles traveled: 48 miles
Average mph: 17.5 mph
That’s an average 17.5 mph on the frickin’ interstate. On a non-holiday, Sunday afternoon. At one point I was sitting at a dead-stop on the interstate, with the car in Park, for nearly 10 minutes.
The insane thing is there was no reason for this. I kept listening to WTOP with its “weather and traffic on the 8’s” for the update every ten minutes. And they seemed as perplexed as anyone. No accidents, no construction. A brief thunderstorm — less then 20 minutes — had passed through, but other than that there was no reason whatsoever for a 40+ mile back-up. No reason other than the Pure Unadulterated Evil of the Demon Highway.
I gave up at Stafford. My patience had come to an end. I got off at the exit, called the parents, and told them they were on their own for dinner. I wouldn’t have wanted to inflict myself upon them in my dark, frustrated mood at that time anyway. So I headed back north.
Which wasn’t much better.
Departure time: 6:15 pm
Direction: Northbound
Driving Time: 1 hr 15 min
Miles traveled: 48 miles
Average mph: 38.4 mph
At least it moved. No dead stops.
Monday, I made a second attempt in the early, and, lo, did the light of the Lone Traveler shine down upon me and did the highways open up before me, and it was good.
Departure time: 7:30 am
Direction: Southbound
Driving Time: 1 hr 45 min
Miles traveled: 115 miles
Average mph: 65.7 mph
That’s the way it’s supposed to happen. Didn’t last for the drive back that evening. Stupid Lone Traveler.
Departure time: 4:30 pm
Direction: Northbound
Driving Time 3 hr 45 min
Miles traveled: 115 miles
Average mph: 30.7 mph
Here’s the final totals. (Also, someone double check my math. Even though I used a calculator, I’m the guy who yesterday added 15 and 17 and came up with 27):
Total Driving Time: 9 hr 30 min
Total miles traveled: 326
Average mph: 34.3
On the highway. 34.3 mph. On the frickin’ interstate.
Oh, I-95, I-95, how I hate thee. The only possible reason I have to look forward to any potential thermonuclear holocaust scenario is that maybe, just maybe, some rogue nation will blow I-95 back to the Hell from which it was spawned.
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